Treasure

Looking back those letters and cards from my old friends and also some emotional diaries I wrote. It is absolutely once in a blue moon for me to have a rummage in drawers and dig out all those stuffs.

I realized how childish I was again. Maybe it's the sign of growing up to a higher stage again?

This was what happened while I was form 4 and 5:


I thought the diaries I wrote before (form 1-3?) was all so ridiculous. I laughed at how innocent I was, at the same time jealous at myself, the previous optimistic me, thinking how I can no longer turn back to the way before anymore. That's the worst feeling ever. How can one ever jealous at themselves?


I even burnt all the diaries i wrote because of that back then. I just couldn't stand it, the diaries reflect the happy me before but also how I turned to be so miserable that makes me so suffer, though those are sweet memories written in my diary. The darkness filled my mind up that mislead my thought all tend to the negative way, even sweet memories can also pull me down to hell.


Form 4 & 5 huh? The best word can be used to describe those two years of my life is emo.
I kept on blaming myself. Thinking myself as an unlucky mankind, meaningless existence that no one will even know it when I disappear from this world one day, disappear without making a sound, making good for the earth. So I created my email with a word 'invisible'.

I even told my mom, "My life is meaningless, the ones important to me have moved on but only me left behind waiting at the same place, I'm so useless and silly, I'm so coward that I dare not express my true feeling and end up losing the grip. I hate this world, how realistic this world is. There's darkness every where!"

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I guess most of my secondary classmates know it since the change is obvious.

I've changed to be down almost all the day after form 3.

That time I've suddenly become all close-up, building a kind of invisible wall to myself layer by layer.

I had only a few close friends, I guess they can't get to reach my mind as well.

That time I was truly miserable, hide myself in the darkness, close myself in a cage I built.

Why I become like that? Well, I always live my life in the past instead of looking forward.

I can't help making comparison between the past and present.

When we were separated to different class, I started to feel insecure and upset.
As if a building which can collapse any time, as if some of the struts supporting me before had broken.
Yeah, because some of those important to me were no longer staying by my side like before, I felt so helpless, starting to view this world from all different negative angles.

Now I look at those words my old friends wrote, I realize how I childish I was.

They were trying hard to give me a hand, to grant me encouragement, but I didn't get it at all.

Still living inside the little world of myself. I didn't even have guts to tell them how I miss ém.
I'm not the spontaneous type. Even until now, I won't tell someone how I miss them, instead, I'll keep this feeling. I rarely find, contact or talk to some one else first by myself.

And I realize, secondary school friends are truly important. Who else in life gonna spend their effort doing cards and writing letters with all their heart like they did? And those letter I keep, are now treasure. Very memorable ones. Now, unlike before, I won't burn it, instead, they keep me smiling. As I finally get to see it now. After becoming more optimistic again, I now realize how bad it is to put yourself into the darkness when others are actually not pulling you to the darkness. I've lost my friends by myself, wasted their effort, pushing myself away from them, every thing was ruined by my own hands. It's ok now. Everyone learn from mistake. I should have learned my lesson now, though it might be too late. Special thanks to Phedra, Eileen, Tsai Cheng, Kimlin, Yuan Chyn and... a noob zai LPC! You guys truly mean a lot to me on those days. And also sorry that I keep emo-ing that time.

your messages— •°°•.☆

Now...I finally get to know xxx's feeling before.

I'm glad xxx had moved on eventually... truly...

I could not accept xxx since I don't have special feeling towards xxx.

But I wanna say,

"Sorry for the effort & time you'd spent and wasted.
But...Thank you very much...
for your care and concern...among those days...
umm....not just days...but years?
You really are a jerk
who didn't have 'give up' this word in your dictionary!
No matter how many times I pushed you away and turn you down... "

How many persons had misunderstood our relation?

Sorry for hurting xxx but it's all passed already.

Now...it's my turn...to feel those kinda feelings towards other...

So, this is how it feels?







Hey guys...

Have you ever anticipated for someone's message on phone...

that you are so excited when the phone rings...

but too bad the message you receive isn't the one you're waiting for?

End up disappointed? Haha...that's sorta funny thing...I think...

I laugh at myself...saying how ridiculous my emotion is...

Frankly, I never expect I'll experience such kinda feeling until recently... x_x






"When you asked why,
I made a joke
because I thought
the answer was obvious.
Spending time with you
just feels…right, somehow.
Easy, like the way it’s supposed to be."

Jan 2011

My mom said luckily her daughter is strong enough to carry almost 20 kg goods along the flight back to hometown. OMG...haha....I have so much strength.

While jogging with Bobby, I suddenly felt so lucky that I have healthy legs, which allow me to walk side by side/ shoulder to shoulder with the others or even run freely without much worries and burden like having others to pull my wheel chair. Suddenly, I felt like my existence is worthwhile. I feel lucky to have healthy limbs that I at least have some usefulness. I can lend other my hands, I can walk by myself, I can do anything I want just if I believe in myself.

I can't deny, I ever doubt whether I'm the true daughter at home, living such life doubtfully for about 10 years but I never reveal such feeling to anyone, but only the sky. Until recently, my mom mentioned a thing to me and finally make me certain that, I'm truly a daughter of hers. I hold my tears though I almost cried to hear those stories of hers. How tough she was to give birth to me. How much trouble I brought to her to have me born alive. You know why? Everyone was saying how I don't look alike with anyone whom has kinship with me, not just my siblings and parents, but relatives also. Imagine how those words go to your ears most of the time. Then my mom would even answer, "maybe I get the wrong one, there's a bumiputera giving birth near by me, the doctor have mistaken and gave me hers perhaps." They always said I looked like 'LAKIA'. That calling has suffered me for quite a long time. It hurts. I always pray to the sky, even if really in that case like what my mom mentioned, please allow my skin to become fairer, please give me strength, grant me magic. Haha...I know I was innocent. =P
Till now, I gain courage when I look into the sky. :) I think I've fallen in love with the sky.