Well I come across with many things in my mind this few days. Different emotion arise suddenly and I miss home out of the sudden. On top of that, I miss my high school friends. Just felt lonely and empty out of nowhere. I hate this side of mine. Tears, how long have you been not falling? You breaks my heart badly. I hate myself by how I can't stop myself from living in the past. Instead of finding good things in front of my eyes, I always blinded by the comparison I always make in my mind, comparing about what I had in the past with what I miss out in present. This will eventually end up losing every thing and even myself.
I guess... I've realized why I can't help but feel so lonely. Unlike before, I can no longer go back to my warmest home every day as before. Home is always the greatest source of strength due to my lovely family members and pets. Nothing else can replace 'em. No matter how tough the time is, every thing will be fine after I return home. That's the only place, I feel really secure, free and easy. Nothing to pretend, never be alone... laughter and noise echoed everywhere. It's just simple as that, no other place which can make me feel so easy and also distribute such warm, joyful atmosphere for me. The strong bond between us, lead us treating each other naturally without having to hide any feeling, despite of seeing all of each others' fault and bad habits, we can accept and get used to it. Though sometimes it's bad to take family for granted because of being too close. . .
Imagine each day when I wanna step into the house, Bobby will always wag his tail, run quickly to approach me and happily jump towards me to welcome my homecoming. Though he dirty my shirt, I felt really happy that he always does so despite the fact I've ignored him sometimes, he still wags his tail to response me as if showing how happy he is to see me, and that's rejoiced me to see him as well. Good boy, Bobby. Love you always, you're the best and you heal my wound by somehow.
By the way, I can smell my meal while going home! Yeah...I still like my mom's food the best! Also, I can tease my siblings. Share every thing which has happened in a day with mom. Watch TV and laugh together with family. Jogging with Bobby, though sometimes no one wants to accompany me, Bobby always volunteer to go jogging with me.
If there's anything I don't like, then I will just straightaway admit it. On the other hand, if at places which other than home , I have no choice but forced to do something I don't really like and due to the fear of being left out by the others, I don't have the gut to admit my true feeling. I know I'm a coward but this kind of fear is somehow unavoidable or inevitable while I'm having such fragile relationship with friends, just as if, it can be broken into pieces with just little impact.
There's many things I can't do here. I wish I can complete my course ASAP, with good results. Then I can once again, return to my warmest place where I belong to. I hate to admit how weak I'm actually, some times I can't help to doubt if I would lose myself after staying at a place which I can hardly feel ease and release my feelings for too long. Also, I'm truly exhausted by living such life where I can't express my true self. It's suffocating that I need more fresh air to breathe.
I also recall those days I spent with Eileen, a high school friend of mine. Realizing how important she is to me. She's the only friend I ever fight with, act naturally with and shout at. Haha....well...it's called as true friend yer! Have any opinion, then just speak out without having to worry much. It's all because she's straightforward towards me, and so I treat her in such a way too. I feel at ease with that, despite the rude words escape from her mouth. It's because I always prefer the words comes straightly from people's heart and not something sounds good but fake! I rather facing an enemy than a fake smile, that's why.
When she did something I don't like, I would just straightly shout at her face, asking her to stop doing such stupid thing. Haha....though sometimes she's too stubborn / obstinate and wont obey what I order, I feel good to express all my true feeling out. And that's what I don't even dare to do towards my newly made friends. It makes me hiding my real feelings and suffer by that. Even if I have many new friends now, I can say...the most conversation between us are just 'hi' and 'bye bye', full stop! No one treats me as she did, that's why I don't dare to treat them the way I really am and this eventually suffers me that I realize a fact. No matter how many friends I have, I still feel lonely without a true friend around.
Besides, thinking about seniors who are leaving. I wanna thanks Hie Siang and Alvin, who are the only ones talk to me first while I'm alone and silent. I guess I'm always alone and somewhat gives out dark aura which freak people out. Haha....no one even dares to approach me but only two of you do. Only you two have such guts huh? xP Thank you so much and I'm always pleased to talk to you guys. =) Knowing both of you are leaving, I can't help again, to add some loneliness. Here, I sincerely express my gratitude to all of you, whoever had accompanied me, and granted me warmth.
I always believe the gloomy clouds will fade. Hardship will pay off one day. Since, no rain, no rainbow. Teeheee....stay strong. Insist on this faith~!
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