Is it alright?

The more I try to conceal, the more I am lost.

How I wish you would always tell me what worries you timely.

At least I can get to approach your mind that way?

I can't read your mind, I can't reach it at all.

Making me feel like there's a distance which I can't break.

I hope, you can be honest to me.

Wondering if there's anything I did or said which bothers you.

I don't want you to suffer by that alone.

Just admit if there's anything.

Some times my thought changes...

Some times I sense things changing...

My surrounding is also changing...

My focus changes as well...

Perhaps I just need more time to adapt to the new change.

I hate how slow I am....

Is it me thinking too much?

Or it's just that you're being too hectic and too much things to concern?

Do you ever feel the same way as I do?

I feel truly sorry...for all the troubles I've brought to you.

I know how my mood is fluctuating.

I'm afraid that you might be influenced by my unstable mood.

In that case, I would rather choose to spend my time alone than troubling you.

On the other hand, I wish to stay by your side when it's necessary.

No matter what mood you possess, I don't mind.

I just realized... a person can either be hurt by a deed or by someone not doing anything or both.

What I always have in my mind

Treasure

Looking back those letters and cards from my old friends and also some emotional diaries I wrote. It is absolutely once in a blue moon for me to have a rummage in drawers and dig out all those stuffs.

I realized how childish I was again. Maybe it's the sign of growing up to a higher stage again?

This was what happened while I was form 4 and 5:


I thought the diaries I wrote before (form 1-3?) was all so ridiculous. I laughed at how innocent I was, at the same time jealous at myself, the previous optimistic me, thinking how I can no longer turn back to the way before anymore. That's the worst feeling ever. How can one ever jealous at themselves?


I even burnt all the diaries i wrote because of that back then. I just couldn't stand it, the diaries reflect the happy me before but also how I turned to be so miserable that makes me so suffer, though those are sweet memories written in my diary. The darkness filled my mind up that mislead my thought all tend to the negative way, even sweet memories can also pull me down to hell.


Form 4 & 5 huh? The best word can be used to describe those two years of my life is emo.
I kept on blaming myself. Thinking myself as an unlucky mankind, meaningless existence that no one will even know it when I disappear from this world one day, disappear without making a sound, making good for the earth. So I created my email with a word 'invisible'.

I even told my mom, "My life is meaningless, the ones important to me have moved on but only me left behind waiting at the same place, I'm so useless and silly, I'm so coward that I dare not express my true feeling and end up losing the grip. I hate this world, how realistic this world is. There's darkness every where!"

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I guess most of my secondary classmates know it since the change is obvious.

I've changed to be down almost all the day after form 3.

That time I've suddenly become all close-up, building a kind of invisible wall to myself layer by layer.

I had only a few close friends, I guess they can't get to reach my mind as well.

That time I was truly miserable, hide myself in the darkness, close myself in a cage I built.

Why I become like that? Well, I always live my life in the past instead of looking forward.

I can't help making comparison between the past and present.

When we were separated to different class, I started to feel insecure and upset.
As if a building which can collapse any time, as if some of the struts supporting me before had broken.
Yeah, because some of those important to me were no longer staying by my side like before, I felt so helpless, starting to view this world from all different negative angles.

Now I look at those words my old friends wrote, I realize how I childish I was.

They were trying hard to give me a hand, to grant me encouragement, but I didn't get it at all.

Still living inside the little world of myself. I didn't even have guts to tell them how I miss ém.
I'm not the spontaneous type. Even until now, I won't tell someone how I miss them, instead, I'll keep this feeling. I rarely find, contact or talk to some one else first by myself.

And I realize, secondary school friends are truly important. Who else in life gonna spend their effort doing cards and writing letters with all their heart like they did? And those letter I keep, are now treasure. Very memorable ones. Now, unlike before, I won't burn it, instead, they keep me smiling. As I finally get to see it now. After becoming more optimistic again, I now realize how bad it is to put yourself into the darkness when others are actually not pulling you to the darkness. I've lost my friends by myself, wasted their effort, pushing myself away from them, every thing was ruined by my own hands. It's ok now. Everyone learn from mistake. I should have learned my lesson now, though it might be too late. Special thanks to Phedra, Eileen, Tsai Cheng, Kimlin, Yuan Chyn and... a noob zai LPC! You guys truly mean a lot to me on those days. And also sorry that I keep emo-ing that time.

your messages— •°°•.☆

Now...I finally get to know xxx's feeling before.

I'm glad xxx had moved on eventually... truly...

I could not accept xxx since I don't have special feeling towards xxx.

But I wanna say,

"Sorry for the effort & time you'd spent and wasted.
But...Thank you very much...
for your care and concern...among those days...
umm....not just days...but years?
You really are a jerk
who didn't have 'give up' this word in your dictionary!
No matter how many times I pushed you away and turn you down... "

How many persons had misunderstood our relation?

Sorry for hurting xxx but it's all passed already.

Now...it's my turn...to feel those kinda feelings towards other...

So, this is how it feels?







Hey guys...

Have you ever anticipated for someone's message on phone...

that you are so excited when the phone rings...

but too bad the message you receive isn't the one you're waiting for?

End up disappointed? Haha...that's sorta funny thing...I think...

I laugh at myself...saying how ridiculous my emotion is...

Frankly, I never expect I'll experience such kinda feeling until recently... x_x






"When you asked why,
I made a joke
because I thought
the answer was obvious.
Spending time with you
just feels…right, somehow.
Easy, like the way it’s supposed to be."

Jan 2011

My mom said luckily her daughter is strong enough to carry almost 20 kg goods along the flight back to hometown. OMG...haha....I have so much strength.

While jogging with Bobby, I suddenly felt so lucky that I have healthy legs, which allow me to walk side by side/ shoulder to shoulder with the others or even run freely without much worries and burden like having others to pull my wheel chair. Suddenly, I felt like my existence is worthwhile. I feel lucky to have healthy limbs that I at least have some usefulness. I can lend other my hands, I can walk by myself, I can do anything I want just if I believe in myself.

I can't deny, I ever doubt whether I'm the true daughter at home, living such life doubtfully for about 10 years but I never reveal such feeling to anyone, but only the sky. Until recently, my mom mentioned a thing to me and finally make me certain that, I'm truly a daughter of hers. I hold my tears though I almost cried to hear those stories of hers. How tough she was to give birth to me. How much trouble I brought to her to have me born alive. You know why? Everyone was saying how I don't look alike with anyone whom has kinship with me, not just my siblings and parents, but relatives also. Imagine how those words go to your ears most of the time. Then my mom would even answer, "maybe I get the wrong one, there's a bumiputera giving birth near by me, the doctor have mistaken and gave me hers perhaps." They always said I looked like 'LAKIA'. That calling has suffered me for quite a long time. It hurts. I always pray to the sky, even if really in that case like what my mom mentioned, please allow my skin to become fairer, please give me strength, grant me magic. Haha...I know I was innocent. =P
Till now, I gain courage when I look into the sky. :) I think I've fallen in love with the sky.

First weekend after school re-open

14th January 2011

It's quite fun to hang out with my friends around the city, we spent almost 8 hours to walk around everywhere nearby. I bought a Domo-kun phone seat back, whee~ I told myself I must bring domo back since I first saw you, ngahaha, you're too adorable... xP

Another first time here~! I had been to the temple near by the dock for few times, but I never climb to the highest floor. We borrowed the key from the authority there to climb to the highest place. It has a big bell there, we can strike it and the sound produced indicates it may bring peace & good luck, perhaps... if not mistaken...hehe...actually I dunno whether or not we're allowed to do so. xP

Walking around, we found durian seller, the smell was so strong, hehe....it's been quite a while for the durian session, though I don't eat durian, but it gives me some strange feeling which I can't explain, not hating it either but like it, why? Hehe...reminiscent of warmth moment?

We shop around, bought some shirts and necklace as well. Compare to our hometown, the things sold here is a bit cheaper. We discovered some cool outfit, cicada, pigeon, and many more.

Teehee...we simply walk around as many places as we can, since we would like to spare our whole day outside. It's truly fun though tiring. On the way of our journey or adventure (?? xD), we met quite a number of schoolmates. Haha...maybe the town is too small and it's the only place youngsters may hang out at.


After that, I rush to attend my relative's birthday dinner. Stay overnight at their place.



15th January 2011

Spent my whole days with my cousin, she worries about my stomach almost every single minute. Asking me to eat this and that... = = After staying at her place, I always have to try really hard to lose the weight I gained. I saw her killing chicken, yer...but I still dare to eat after witnessing the cruel scene. Perhaps I've almost get used to such things. Before, I wasn't dare to eat meat the whole day after seeing some bloody scene, though not killing a chicken or whatever, but something like my kittens had part of their body being eaten by their own mom. It was truly cruel and hellish. I also witnessed quite a number of my pets being crashed by car.

I didn't know, today is my another cousin's birthday. So, I attend another dinner again. Huhu...since I stay here, I've attend several dinners. Maybe it's the custom of Foochow? I'm not very getting used to such situation though.

Played with my nieces, they're cute...though i hate kids... hahaha....hang out with them for a while, causing me headache, because of a hyperactive niece of mine. x_x Some more he doesn't allow us to control his move by pushing our hand away when we try to hold his hand.

Then I returned hostel. Mr. cockroach is sure starving since I've abandoned him for two days without feeding him. Tonight, he's eating the biscuit I give him, wah~ The first time I see cockroach eating. So it's like this huh? Just like grasshopper. =x Well, we always found and collect grasshoppers from the bushes then rear them inside a bottle during childhood days. xP
Or even cook or burn ants? xD Haha...the curious us, it's damn memorable.



Ok...Sooner or later will update again. ;)

One more time, One more chance

Hey, everyone...

Have you ever...look for someone wherever you go...every corner...any place...even though you know...that someone actually won't be there?

You might feel their existence in the atmosphere...thinking or feeling like, they may be around...when you turn around, you realize...it's just that you're cherishing the memories...and can't help but disappointed.

Did you ever write message for no one, but merely to yourself and saved it?

Anyway, I re-watch 5 centimeters per second (秒速5厘米). More feelings and opinion come across, for this animation.

No matter how many times I watch 5 centimeters per second...it's still...very....very....beautiful and touching, absolutely. Bittersweet...

I love how realistic the story is...just as if....it can be...story of many of us...as well...

The lyric of the theme song... the graphics...and the story...I love everything about it...the cherry blossom, the train, the sky, the expression...every thing...





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Title: One more time, One more chance (piano version)

How much more will I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pain will I have to suffer, to meet you once again?
One more time, oh seasons, don't disappear
One more time, the time when we were messing around

Whenever we argued, I would always give in first right?
Your selfish nature made me love you even more
One more chance, the memories stopped my legs
One more chance, I cannot choose my next destination

Im always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
On the opposite platform, in the windows along the lane
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn't do
I would put everything on the risk and hold you tight, I'll show you.

If I just wanted to distract my loneliness, anybody would have been enough.
The stars seems like it will fall in the night which is why i can't lie to myself.
One more time, oh seasons, don't disappear
One more time, the time when we were messing around

I'm always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
Even when I'm crossing a street, Even in the midst of my dreams
Even though I know you couldn't be at a place like this!
If a miracle were to happen, I would want to show you immediately
A new morning, who I'll be from now on
And the words i never said called: "I Love You"

The memories of summer are revolving
The throbbing which suddenly disappeared

Im always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho
Even though I know you couldn't be at a place like this!
If my wish were to come true, I would return to your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn't do
I would risk everything and hold you tight I'll show you!

I'm always searching, for fragments of you to appear somewhere
At a travellers store, in the corner of newspaper,
Even though I know you couldn't be at a place like this!
If a miracle were to happen, I would want to show you immediately
A new morning, who I'll be from now on
And the words I never said called: I Love You.

I always end up looking for your smile, to appear somewhere
At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If our lives could be restarted,
No matter how many times it will be I will go back to you
What I would wanted then would then be nothing
The Things Other Then You!

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Besides, I learn how I like this anime is also because of what I encountered.

Different from this anime, I experienced such feeling, not from love, but friendship that I think they can be equally strong, no?



This animation shows the facts of couple, being separated and distant by the distance, which act as a barrier between them.

Distance...still is something that breaks the link or chain, between lovers...though it's a mutual love. It kills courage, confidence and faith…create fear and insecure... (With only 3 episodes...the animation shows how the love and beautiful memory change a person...with the passing...of each second.)

The sweet memory...passes by very quickly...just as if the speed of Sakura (cherry blossom) falling, which last shortly… the season...)

It also shows how a person who can't forget the past, holding on those memories, living their life in the past, not being able to let go the past, and so it covers their eyes from noticing something beautiful in front. Instead, they keep seeking, chasing or tracing the past, any time, any where...

Living their life, like a lost and doubtful soul, or even a body without soul...

Feel like, there's nothing comparable...to the beauty they encountered in the past.

Therefore they almost give up on seeking the beautiful things.

Slowly, romance and beauty, fade from their life.

They become tougher as those things fade slowly...from their sight...

No longer interested or believe in romance...in their life.


[In the end of this anime, the main character goes back to the place. He learns how he still has feelings towards those memories...and...he learns the girl he always cherish the most, had already moved on...he smiles…and finally…it's time...let go and it's now alright for him to move on too….even though he still hold on those beautiful memories which he’s almost give out and losses feeling. How long…does it spend? =’) ]



However, the one who is able to let go, turn the past to be a sweet memory.

Keep living their life happily...by keeping the sweet memory deep down inside their heart.

Like a nutrient, which assist them on growing...let bygone be bygone, keep moving on...without turning back...

[This is what the girl in the story does.]


We shouldn't give out on seeking the sakura, despite of you realize how short the wonderful season is.

Don't give out the rest wonderful session, just because of the withering of once sakura, such short season, in the past.

Like that, sakura would not fall anymore, inside your soul.

Open up your eyes...it’s time to clear off everything…put those memories inside your heart...but not let it be the obstacle in front of your eyes …so that your cherry blossom, will re-bloom.

Here goes my older post about this movie... it was the first time I watched it...I shared my favorite AMV related to this movie. Those songs suits the scenes and the story perfectly. That's how I love 'em...you may like them too. =)

Click here to see --> http://yaoyao92.blogspot.com/2009/04/5-centimeters-per-second.html


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From my point of view about true love:

A true love...might not be lasting....
A lasting relationship....might never become a true love.

True love isn't necessary about how long it lasts... it's about how both care for each other...having mutual cares...and strong feelings towards each other. Truly...love each other...that's it.

I think...the story shows true love... despite how they go on separate way in the end, despite how there's no lasting relationship...even though they don't end up together....the memories...is still... igniting...forever... and still, they move on...at last...after a very very long time...


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I figure out one of my favorite quote...which I always recall in my mind.

"To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have."

It’s something difficult to control. Not like what I wish to… so….This quotation... as if always reminding me...how about ya? I’ll always keep it...and believe....through thick and thin, with the passing of time, we can overcome the obstacle and become stronger...learn to let go...




It's been quite a while without update in my blog, again... =P

By the way, happy new year~! Huhu...though a bit late...it's already the 3rd day of 2011.

God bless. Cheers~